“Every time I fly, the plane is delayed!” “This restaurant is always too crowded!” “Nobody in this state knows how to drive!” Complaining comes easily to anyone—a friend who shows up late, a demanding boss at work, a teacher with a grudge against you, or an unexpected illness. We complain about both the trivial and tragic events in our lives.

Is Complaining So Bad?

One might say that complaining offers an emotional release to vent frustrations, sadness, or anger. It’s a mechanism to express emotions that might otherwise feel bottled up. Or maybe it’s a way to get validation from another person who might offer you support– a way to connect with others.

Constant complaining can also create a mindset of focusing on problems with a cynical, pessimistic or defeatist mindset. Dr. Rick Hanson details in his book Hardwiring Happiness how focusing on negative experiences strengthens neural pathways for negativity or otherwise knows as “negativity bias.” This can lead to chronic stress which impacts cardiovascular health and weakens the immune system.

I think most people know someone–a friend or family member who is always complaining. They can be exhausting and if it’s bad enough it can lead to alienation. People feel burdened by constant negativity, making them less willing to offer support or company. Socializing with complainers can blow up a conversation, bring and entire group down and cause others to stop empathizing with them.

Do I Not Talk About Problems?

Psychologist Martin Seligman demonstrates how habitual focus on problems without solutions leads to learned helplessness, increasing feeling of powerlessness and depression. It’s not verbalizing a problem that’s toxic but the endless focus on how we’ve been harmed.

Venting with a trusted friend could be just fine if it helps articulate feelings, identify the root cause of the frustration and lead you down a path of action. Complaining without a plan to act prevents personal growth and shifts the focus away from solutions.

The People of Alma Had It Hard

Alma’s people suffered under the tyrant Amulon suffering enslavement, hard labor and setback after setback. They were threatened with death for even mentioning God.

From Mosiah 24:14-15 in the Book of Mormon it says: “And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs… And they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.”

This type of suffering could have pushed them to deep despair. If they complained, it isn’t mentioned in the book. In fact, the people of Alma communicated with God silently and held onto hope that with time He would give them relief. They did what was in their control: they worked around the obstacles in front of them and did so with a belief that they were part of a higher order.

Even if “cheerfully” might be a stretch for many of us, the point is clear that we need to practice handling life’s struggles with patience, positivity and Godly trust that we can get through them.

Socrates Didn’t Even Complain About His Own Death

Socrates was sentenced to death in 399 BCE by an Athenian jury on the time honored charges of corrupting the youth. Basically, he was accused of teaching the youth to question Athenian values and traditions–he encourage critical thinking. This wasn’t taken kindly by prominent Athenians but they didn’t really want to put him to death so they gave him an out. All he had to do was renounce his teaching. He refused.

Socrates believed that living a virtuous and examined life was more important than avoiding death. When given the opportunity to save himself, Socrates responds: “I leave you now to go to my death, and you to live. Which of us goes to the better lot, only God knows.”

If he were to betray his principles to escape death, Socrates believed it would be a far greater harm than the injustice of his execution. And complaining about the verdict would have been inconsistent with his belief of maintaining virtue and moral integrity at all times.

Both the jury who try to give him an out and his followers who offer to help him escape are left a little baffled. Socrates trusted that if his death was unjust, it would ultimately be rectified by either divine justice or the judgement of history. He faces his death with tranquility and without complaint. In Plato’s Phaedo, Socrates is described as calm and dignified–spending his final hours discussing the immortality of the soul with his disciples.

The Hardest Days In Church History

In 1856, the Martin and Willie Handcart Companies set out for Zion (Salt Lake Valley) late in the season, despite warnings about the dangers of winter travel. These faithful Saints faced starvation, exhaustion, and bitter cold, losing many along the way.

Hannah Last Cornaby, walked the plains with her husband and others in their company. She recorded in her journal that she often found herself praying not for the trials to end but for the strength to endure them. Despite experiencing hunger and watching loved ones suffer, she later wrote hymns filled with gratitude and faith, such as “Who’s on the Lord’s Side? Who?”

Joseph Smith’s time in Liberty Jail (1838–1839) was full of filthy, freezing and isolating conditions but his letters to the Saints are marked not by bitterness but by hope and encouragement. One of the most quoted passages from this period is found in Doctrine and Covenants 121:7-9: “My son, peace be unto thy soul; thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; And then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high; thou shalt triumph over all thy foes.”

Joseph’s ability to focus on a perspective that was bigger than the immediate suffering exemplifies the principle of rising above complaints and trusting in God’s plan.

Mindset, Words, Action

Maybe complaining is a form of narrow-mindedness. We see a problem, a setback, an annoyance as a reason to feel defeated. God must be punishing us for something we did–or darker thoughts tell us that we are unworthy of having good things happen to us. There is a bigger picture we are missing. When we think like this we fail to see the opportunities to grow and to practice the Christian virtues we believe in. We fail to have gratitude for all the other wonderful things obscured by the things we are complaining about.

In his book Thanks A Thousand, AJ Jacobs talks about how a person who hears a thousand compliments and one single insult will often focus on the insult. He says, “For me, the key is to really pay attention to the hundreds of things that go right every day instead of the three or four that go wrong. I find it helpful to spend a couple of minutes counting up all the things that are going right at a particular moment.“

The antidote to the negativity of complaining is a conscious re-shift in thinking–and it takes practice. So when the urge to complain hits us, think of what Maya Angelou said:

“What you’re supposed to do when you don’t like a thing is change it. If you can’t change it, change the way you think about it. Don’t complain.”  

Or this from Gordon Hinckley: “Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight.”

And finally from Marcus Aurelius: “Don’t be overheard complaining… Not even to yourself.”